Lucid Daydreams: Awakening from the Addicted Self [A Memoir]

These posts are made-up of various memoirs (out of order chapters/excerpts) from my lifelong journey of recovery from chronic alcohol abuse and heroin addiction, and how I came to find my true self and purpose in life.

“I Live in the Dark; It’s the Only Place Someone Like Me Can Shine.”

The central theme is about impermanence and transformation, with the message: to move forward and be whole, you have to embrace your past as you transform it into something that gives you wisdom and compassion, especially in a time when there’s an abundance of dehumanization circling around the issues of mental health, addiction, and highly sensitive people.

Many people are being told to forget the past and believe this to be true in moving forward with their lives. However, sometimes this is all that is said, leaving us to take it literally. Thankfully, this task could only be done in a sappy yet insightful hipster movie. Nevertheless, doctors and therapists repeatedly tell us not to dwell in the past, particularly negative events. I don’t disagree with them; however, I do believe more explanation is needed here.

To paraphrase the quote from the great philosopher George Santayana, those who do not remember their past are condemned to repeat their mistakes. Hence, the importance of understanding history in order to free humanity from the Wheel of Samsara (karma); just as individual souls learn their repeated lessons over many lifetimes, eventually freeing themselves, contributing to the greater collective consciousness.

I believe there comes a point in everyone’s life where their past will re-emerge in an overwhelming takeover of thoughts, feelings, and emotions. In this period, we are given a choice, to hang onto these, or finally let go. The choice is subtle but we are given as much time as we individually need to become aware of it. We can continue acting as if our past actions and choices don’t matter and drown them out with antidepressants, alcohol, drugs, sex, gambling, food, TV, “reality” TV, video games, fitness, AA, work, bullying, anything that keeps us distracted from looking at ourselves, at that empty void inside all of us. The thing is, there is no void. It’s only an illusion that we have created to bound us to this wheel of never ending mistakes, until we finally choose to do something different—to look back at our past mistakes and learn from them, knowing that within each event lies a lesson that must be learned in order to grow; to be the best of who we are meant to be.

There’s a quote by Elizabeth Wurtzel, author of Prozac Nation and More, Now, Again: A Memoir of Addiction, that states, “Age is a terrible avenger. The lessons of life give you so much to work with, but by the time you’ve got all this great wisdom, you don’t get to be young anymore.”

In writing this collection of memoirs, I’ve discovered many things about myself and the world I live in, including all of this to not only be true, but to be the first step in living the life I’ve always wanted to live.

In this lifetime, I have been constantly tested but hadn’t yet realized it until about the age of 22 (10 years ago), when I would fail most, if not all, of the lessons life had presented before me. Even after coming out of the darkness of a self-indulgent, heroin/meth-fueled life of escapism and into a sober life of self-awareness and living for others, I still find myself being tested.

But being aware that any resentments, regrets, feelings of self-doubt, or whatever, is a test in how I go about the issue, is a tremendous help in leading me to make the right choice, forgiving myself and others who’ve harmed me, and not holding onto any of the negative feelings a situation has created. Knowing that these tests are nothing but life lessons gives my life more meaning and purpose, which creates a genuine feeling of happiness within.

I’ve learned that living a hedonistic life has no real meaning or purpose. But living a life of mindfulness and living for others will give a purpose to your life and a long-lasting sense of gratification, as well as true happiness within.

Even if one doesn’t believe to be living a hedonistic life and does whatever they can to provide for their family, the moment they need to take social (now, global) responsibility, they tend to walk away. We make ourselves so busy now in our lives that we don’t or can’t look beyond our own problems. How can we see another human suffering with our heads down, sucked into our little world inside our phones?

What most people don’t realize is that there are tens of thousands of people who can’t afford to fend for their family and get the basic amenities of life. We need always remember that there are others who have far more serious issues than what we face in our life.

If you’re struggling in life, whether it be from addiction, loss of a loved one, depression, loss of worth, or just feeling different from your peers and not knowing what’s wrong—you’re not alone. Talk to me… I’ve been there, and there is a way out. My desire and purpose in this life is to help others understand certain life struggles by offering my experience and knowledge from reading/studying over 150 books, ranging from recovery, addiction (nonfiction/memoirs), Buddhism, ancient knowledge, metaphysics, pseudoscience, Law of Attraction, Catholicism, Christian alternative, Judaism, Taoism, personal transformation, self-help, etc.. I want to share my thoughts and discovered wisdom to help you look within and find that light inside you that’s been suppressed since a time you may or may not remember. . Or