Will it End?

How do you get through life? How do you get though each of the many moments that make-up your day?

I’m not asking about the moments that are filled with happiness, excitement, or any positive feeling. I want to know how you survive the other moments. The ones that don’t leave you with warm feelings of love, thrill, and enthusiastic passion. I want to know how you make it through the icy chill that falls from the top of your spine and crashes underneath your feet in a suicide of sadness, grief, and hopelessness. What do you do to escape, or distract yourself from the pain and anguish of when things, not only don’t go your way or as planned, but when they go horribly wrong?

When shit happens…

Each day is a fight to feel content.

Today, it’s a combination of antidepressants, anti-anxiety meds, and meditation.

Yesterday, it was spirituality, forgiveness, salvation, and a sense of enlightenment.

Before, it was Antabuse, Suboxone, and intense therapy—a mere sliver of the light to come.

Because a week ago, my life wasn’t a life, but merely an existence, watching and envying other people’s lives. It was a mental, emotional, and physical nightmare, impossible to escape.

Without any doubt, I plainly welcomed death. For, it would be the golden key that would unlock the door standing in-between me and the comforting sense of alleviation and well-being—feeling like a kid again. Together with its sweet company of innocence and the unwitting, blissful ignorance of what was to come. I dreamed of death.

Though, after an overdose of pleasure, not even death could save me from the sickening pain I was doomed to wake up and suffer every morning. It wasn’t the result of having felt a touch of heaven and true ecstasy, but from abusing it.

The life sentence of pain would come from accepting another’s death from my own hand solely to get another taste. And the fuming need of accompaniment that walks hand-in-hand with misery.

Still, not even that could dissipate the desire for more.

When will it end?


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